Lol I really want to fucking move out. Once my dad goes on holiday this household is no longer home, my mum isn't family, and all it is is just a miserable hell hole I have to return to every day. Daddy why.
"The teachers hate you Lucy, don't make them hate you more."
OK thank you Josh, I wasn't looking forward to this semester anyway. Or any semester of animation. And I did well by sleeping in my new tutor's class today and asking for help on the work later, to which he promptly suggested I actually pay attention. Yeah, so much for that first impression. I want to love uni, honest, but it's so hard, I'm only halfway through the first week and already I feel like there's a sudden 20 kilo load on my chest and every class I'm battling my eyes open. It could be the 3 assignments we already have, or it could also be the preparation to break down again as I prepare my esteem to be shredded. Or it could be both.
Sigh. I admit, it's mostly my fault. I can't expect any teacher to love me with the kind of punctuality, presentation and effort I put forward. I've always tended to get away with minimal work in high school and scrape passes and credits last year without actually feeling like I'm a shit student. I mean you hear people talking about passing like it's a total relief, with the freedom to feel actually relieved, and here I am - knowing that even if my animation friends don't look down on me (they will), the teachers will absolutely not let me off without making sure I feel wholly and completely terrible PRIOR to a pass or low credit. And everything only comes down to me being a shit student, so... I really can't complain.
If anything, I just want some sort of a compliment, or a "you're improving" from any ONE of the teachers. Maybe then I could shed away a bit of this uni misery that's clumping inside me. I CAN DO THIS RIGHT???
So maybe I am a bad sales person. I remember when I first started, I was on my second week after 3 days training going "HELL YEAH I GOT THIS" "SO easy" and a month later here I am realising I am hardly any good as I thought I was. In fact, I'm terrible.
Reasons are:
Selective conversing: A sales person has to be friendly at all times - sure, I say hi to everyone who walks in. But like only 60% of them return the gesture, and maybe half of that 60% are actually talkative, and those are exactly the ones I engage in conversation with. If you ignore me, especially if you're Chinese and ignore me... I probably won't bother with you. Because I swear to god some actually act like you do not exist until they need you.
Poor conversing: There is actually a very standard amount of things I actually remember to say at work... and it's only when customers tell me "How are you" "Have a nice day" instead of me telling them... do I realise how poorly I am doing my verbal job.
Too casual: Or informal. Or both. I happen to take the "friendly" out of sales person and ignore the rest. Like there was this one time, a rather good looking blonde man walked in searching for a wallet for his wife's birthday. And in the middle of his consideration he was looking at stingray wallets and I started talking about how I was going to get one for my dad and asked him if he had any opinions on colour - again the role shift - and I did not end up selling him a thing. I kind of forget, you know, that I'm not making friends... and my job is to make sales which cannot be achieved with irrelevant casual chit chat.
Anxiety: I shake. A lot. And I stumble and fumble on my words and sometimes I say a whole sentence that even I myself cannot understand (but know exactly what it was meant to sound like). It happens more often when I try to prepare myself than not. And when I work alone, I take a lot longer to process payments since co-workers usually help me with the bagging, so the customer is usually waiting and staring and I wished they would keep browsing because I can not keep a calm hand while being stared at.
Well yeah, that's probably not even everything that makes me a poor sales assistant, but you can definitely see how I am not cut out for the job. It was fun while it lasted, a great environment, great co-workers, greatest manager - she's so cute and chill, a great boss only because he resided in Gold Coast so we ruled the place ourselves... hehe. Definitely want to try out a busier retail next time just to compare - would I prefer to bore myself to death or have time fly with the pressure???
I do wish I knew more formalities though, I find myself talking to everyone - whether they're customers, my manager or my boss - as if they're the same age as me (or younger). And it's bad. The weirdest thing I did this week was probably hugging my Japanese co-worker in farewell, who is a grown man with a wife and kids and from Japanese culture, so highly unlikely moulded into Australian culture enough to not find casual hugs anything but strange... Hehehe. This touchy friendly thing is too instinctive, especially if I like you. But there are times I realise I need to learn to keep my distance. And be more mature...
Being an arts-y person, I may appear modest but I take a lot of pride in my work. Sadly though, not everyone appreciates things the way you do, especially not other arts-y people who've seen the best and the worst and feel no reason to save the criticism - as un-welcomed as it is. I can barely gather any self-esteem left in me after a whole semester of having it shredded to pieces by the merciless hands of animation tutors and the comparatively over-skilled students. I know I'm not the best drawer, I can be uncreative, "generic", and have dumb ideas, but it's fking first year. I come up with these dumb designs and ideas actually believing "hah, this is brillant." And when it comes to presentations, it's the brilliance I'm trying to show. In absolutely no way is it a call to shoot me right down, in front of the whole class, with blunt criticism and biased preferences and leave my delusion-prone heart devastated. Animation is a great course, honestly, I have never been so close to doing everything that I enjoyed, or at least thought I did. I'm clearly not particularly talented in the field on UTS grounds... and I'm seriously questioning whether it's still for me. For an area of work that is so flexible and self-interest based, it's so agonising to have to mould yourself into what the teachers like. At least I know now, how harsh it'll be if I don't start changing, haha. Screw you heartless student-dream-crushing people.
Is it weird if I get somewhat nervous when people say they like me? As in the "you're a cool person, i like you" kind of like (please, anything more than that is what I'd call ALARMING). It's like when someone says you're funny, and you feel obligated to always be funny; I feel indirectly obligated to be that "cool person" they think I am - and unnecessary obligations like that annoy me. Because as much as I like to try be otherwise, I'm an awkward person who cherishes her unacquainted alone-times, simply because it's less work. And there's a certain time-frame of putting up the enthusiastic persona people find approachable and comfortable around before I start doing that thing where my smile fades into a dramatic pokerface every time they turn away... Literally. I actually get tired of smiling all the time. THE IRONY THOUGH, when the intent is clearly so people will like me sigh T_T
The feeling of productivity is very, very bittersweet. Your head burns in fire while your body shakes and shadows circle your eyes like a Chinese panda and you're doing everything you can not to surrender under the stress that tries to break you. You are very much alive. As well as tortured. I feel like crying, because I no longer feel I the capability to survive in UTS, and it isn't even the work. I am toppled under not heavy load of assignment gravel but my own lack of talent. I simply cannot compare to the rest of the people in my course whether it is drawing or software usage and I honestly dread the results to my assignments I have yet to hand in. The most important component to animation is the actual animating, yet it's the one I am currently struggling the worst in. Why...
lucy. pandabasher. pandarh. lucidacris. i like food, cute things, metaphors and sarcasm. if you get my sarcasm, i think we'll be on our way to becoming best of friends.
Lol I really want to fucking move out. Once my dad goes on holiday this household is no longer home, my mum isn't family, and all it is is just a miserable hell hole I have to return to every day. Daddy why.
"The teachers hate you Lucy, don't make them hate you more."
OK thank you Josh, I wasn't looking forward to this semester anyway. Or any semester of animation. And I did well by sleeping in my new tutor's class today and asking for help on the work later, to which he promptly suggested I actually pay attention. Yeah, so much for that first impression. I want to love uni, honest, but it's so hard, I'm only halfway through the first week and already I feel like there's a sudden 20 kilo load on my chest and every class I'm battling my eyes open. It could be the 3 assignments we already have, or it could also be the preparation to break down again as I prepare my esteem to be shredded. Or it could be both.
Sigh. I admit, it's mostly my fault. I can't expect any teacher to love me with the kind of punctuality, presentation and effort I put forward. I've always tended to get away with minimal work in high school and scrape passes and credits last year without actually feeling like I'm a shit student. I mean you hear people talking about passing like it's a total relief, with the freedom to feel actually relieved, and here I am - knowing that even if my animation friends don't look down on me (they will), the teachers will absolutely not let me off without making sure I feel wholly and completely terrible PRIOR to a pass or low credit. And everything only comes down to me being a shit student, so... I really can't complain.
If anything, I just want some sort of a compliment, or a "you're improving" from any ONE of the teachers. Maybe then I could shed away a bit of this uni misery that's clumping inside me. I CAN DO THIS RIGHT???
So maybe I am a bad sales person. I remember when I first started, I was on my second week after 3 days training going "HELL YEAH I GOT THIS" "SO easy" and a month later here I am realising I am hardly any good as I thought I was. In fact, I'm terrible.
Reasons are:
Selective conversing: A sales person has to be friendly at all times - sure, I say hi to everyone who walks in. But like only 60% of them return the gesture, and maybe half of that 60% are actually talkative, and those are exactly the ones I engage in conversation with. If you ignore me, especially if you're Chinese and ignore me... I probably won't bother with you. Because I swear to god some actually act like you do not exist until they need you.
Poor conversing: There is actually a very standard amount of things I actually remember to say at work... and it's only when customers tell me "How are you" "Have a nice day" instead of me telling them... do I realise how poorly I am doing my verbal job.
Too casual: Or informal. Or both. I happen to take the "friendly" out of sales person and ignore the rest. Like there was this one time, a rather good looking blonde man walked in searching for a wallet for his wife's birthday. And in the middle of his consideration he was looking at stingray wallets and I started talking about how I was going to get one for my dad and asked him if he had any opinions on colour - again the role shift - and I did not end up selling him a thing. I kind of forget, you know, that I'm not making friends... and my job is to make sales which cannot be achieved with irrelevant casual chit chat.
Anxiety: I shake. A lot. And I stumble and fumble on my words and sometimes I say a whole sentence that even I myself cannot understand (but know exactly what it was meant to sound like). It happens more often when I try to prepare myself than not. And when I work alone, I take a lot longer to process payments since co-workers usually help me with the bagging, so the customer is usually waiting and staring and I wished they would keep browsing because I can not keep a calm hand while being stared at.
Well yeah, that's probably not even everything that makes me a poor sales assistant, but you can definitely see how I am not cut out for the job. It was fun while it lasted, a great environment, great co-workers, greatest manager - she's so cute and chill, a great boss only because he resided in Gold Coast so we ruled the place ourselves... hehe. Definitely want to try out a busier retail next time just to compare - would I prefer to bore myself to death or have time fly with the pressure???
I do wish I knew more formalities though, I find myself talking to everyone - whether they're customers, my manager or my boss - as if they're the same age as me (or younger). And it's bad. The weirdest thing I did this week was probably hugging my Japanese co-worker in farewell, who is a grown man with a wife and kids and from Japanese culture, so highly unlikely moulded into Australian culture enough to not find casual hugs anything but strange... Hehehe. This touchy friendly thing is too instinctive, especially if I like you. But there are times I realise I need to learn to keep my distance. And be more mature...
Being an arts-y person, I may appear modest but I take a lot of pride in my work. Sadly though, not everyone appreciates things the way you do, especially not other arts-y people who've seen the best and the worst and feel no reason to save the criticism - as un-welcomed as it is. I can barely gather any self-esteem left in me after a whole semester of having it shredded to pieces by the merciless hands of animation tutors and the comparatively over-skilled students. I know I'm not the best drawer, I can be uncreative, "generic", and have dumb ideas, but it's fking first year. I come up with these dumb designs and ideas actually believing "hah, this is brillant." And when it comes to presentations, it's the brilliance I'm trying to show. In absolutely no way is it a call to shoot me right down, in front of the whole class, with blunt criticism and biased preferences and leave my delusion-prone heart devastated. Animation is a great course, honestly, I have never been so close to doing everything that I enjoyed, or at least thought I did. I'm clearly not particularly talented in the field on UTS grounds... and I'm seriously questioning whether it's still for me. For an area of work that is so flexible and self-interest based, it's so agonising to have to mould yourself into what the teachers like. At least I know now, how harsh it'll be if I don't start changing, haha. Screw you heartless student-dream-crushing people.
Is it weird if I get somewhat nervous when people say they like me? As in the "you're a cool person, i like you" kind of like (please, anything more than that is what I'd call ALARMING). It's like when someone says you're funny, and you feel obligated to always be funny; I feel indirectly obligated to be that "cool person" they think I am - and unnecessary obligations like that annoy me. Because as much as I like to try be otherwise, I'm an awkward person who cherishes her unacquainted alone-times, simply because it's less work. And there's a certain time-frame of putting up the enthusiastic persona people find approachable and comfortable around before I start doing that thing where my smile fades into a dramatic pokerface every time they turn away... Literally. I actually get tired of smiling all the time. THE IRONY THOUGH, when the intent is clearly so people will like me sigh T_T
The feeling of productivity is very, very bittersweet. Your head burns in fire while your body shakes and shadows circle your eyes like a Chinese panda and you're doing everything you can not to surrender under the stress that tries to break you. You are very much alive. As well as tortured. I feel like crying, because I no longer feel I the capability to survive in UTS, and it isn't even the work. I am toppled under not heavy load of assignment gravel but my own lack of talent. I simply cannot compare to the rest of the people in my course whether it is drawing or software usage and I honestly dread the results to my assignments I have yet to hand in. The most important component to animation is the actual animating, yet it's the one I am currently struggling the worst in. Why...
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