Disposable you
Monday, January 26, 2015 6:40 AM // 1 comments
Is kindness free? If by some chance you find out you are being used, would you continue to give kindness simply out of the fact you are a kind person, or take it away completely because it is not deserved? If you choose the latter, then wouldn't your kindness have been superficial anyway? For example, you set out to do charity work or community services, and you come across people who demand your efforts, then dispose of you at it's completion. Do you then regret that decision to help them because you weren't rewarded for it? That kindness would've been provided with expectation of its return, or at least the ounce of something in exchange. It would have been kindness that was not given as kindness, but as a price. That's my answer I guess. Then the next question would follow: Should kindness be free? Should you let people use you because you're nice? Or does being nice become an excuse for weakness, because it's a selective activity where you discover only some are deserving of? Its like a question of what's worse; disposable kindness or disposable you?
I ask a lot of questions that don't make sense don't I? I can't help the confusion. I can't seem to ever distinguish right from wrong, kindness from weakness, and whether or not I am just making a total fool of myself by saying yes all the time, and smiling everything off. Ultimately, "You're just too nice" is becoming my excuse to digging myself into graves for everyone to laugh at. I know I'm just going to be thrown aside anyway, yet it does not mean I will stop being nice. Just because I'm not as important as I'd like to be, I should stop being kind?
Should I be mean instead?
I really don't know, but to me, it doesn't work that way.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014 6:47 AM // 0 comments
I long for the day that I will stop being in the wrong. And no, I will not wait for it. I will change for it and I will earn my place out of the wrong. I'll be the mature person you want me to be, that the world wants me to be. I will because I am running out of things I can like about myself, but I know that if I become that person, that person you want me to be, then at least I will be on the right track.
Trust... what is it...
Monday, November 10, 2014 1:03 PM // 0 comments
Is your first point of action to trust, or to doubt?
In the same way we would appreciate a garden of flowers without expecting its pollen to intoxicate us, or reach out to pet a kitten without expecting to get lashed by its claws, it's almost a natural instinct to trust first. At least we would until the subject gives us a reason not to, such as if the garden of flowers wasn't a burst of beautiful colours but instead murky yellows and greens and browns, and smelt swamp-like; or if the kitten had one eye blinded, with scars across its body and made unfriendly growls. That's when we start to feel doubtful, because the subject is no longer giving off harmless, good vibes.
Can anyone really say they don't fall into this category of people who judge upon impression? The garden could have been polluted and abandoned and simply in need of revival, the kitten could have been mistreated, scared, and in need of love. You don't know what got them into that state. We're making these flawed judgements all the time. What appears harmless, could very much be the most harmful, and vice versa... We know that, everyone knows that. Yet we continue trust ourselves with impressions. Even when we know a bit about somebody's background, I think it only gives us more space to think we're making the correct judgement. Oh they're Muslim? Oh they're white? Oh they're an international student? They must be "insert stereotype". Oh.
That aside, let's think about how we trust in general. How many times have someone told you something they did and you believed them? How many people have told you something they thought and you believed it? It comes down to even the most basic what they did in the weekends, had for dinner, their fallout with their girlfriend/boyfriend last year... a comment about your hair. People could be lying to you through their teeth. So, back to my initial prompt - is your first point of action to trust, or to doubt? They're our age, friendly enough, we study the same thing/go to work at the same place, they laugh a lot; they must be a nice person. And so why should they lie? Wait... why shouldn't they? Why shouldn't the person in a suit lie as much as you'd think the homeless guy on the streets would?
I've been having this internal conflict about who to trust, and upon what basis I am making such decisions for the past week, and it's funny how stereotypical I am without even realising it. My first point of action is always to trust before I doubt. But there's always two sides to everything, and once you start to doubt, you doubt it all. What determines a nice person? What doesn't? Do nice people lie, too? It gives us security when we're able to say "I trust 'this person'", and I want to be able to keep that sense of security and comfort. I want to think that I'm not wrong in trusting and thinking someone's a good person. But right now, everything I ever believed is falling apart right in front of me, I am falling apart... because I can't even trust myself any more.
Unobtainable
Sunday, September 28, 2014 10:11 AM // 0 comments
Never have I felt so painfully inadequate being me. You are everything I could ever want, but what am I, or have ever done, to deserve that sort of perfection?
Yes I'm my own dream crusher, but that's because I can see reality without needing it in harsh revelation from someone else. I am just not good enough. Have you ever just wondered that if someone like your friend, or your lover, were to describe you to others, what are some of the good things about you they could say? If anyone's like me.. you'd end up sitting there dumdfounded because you realise there isn't anything. I'm not smart nor stunning and most of all I'm not even good at anything. NOTHING. It's time I indulge in something, achieve something, and set solid goals - have SOMETHING that is redeeming about me. daily life?? ???? ??
Friday, September 5, 2014 3:13 AM // 0 comments
stay up
crash
wake late
go uni
look like zombie
look like trash
in class with headache
twitter
fb
twitter
process nothing
where am i
avoids everyone
feel annoyed
eats lots of food
feel depressed
chatime
eats more food
starts to stress about uni work
goes home
blog
skype
league
forgets uni work
sleep
twitter
i hate life
i want a boyfriend
where's my cat
meh
twitter
stay up
crash
Thursday, August 28, 2014 6:10 AM // 0 comments
Maybe I'm just thinking too much...
Saturday, August 16, 2014 1:22 AM // 0 comments
Do you ever wish for circumstances to happen so that you and someone can get stuck in a class or group assignment or anything together and become friends, or even closer friends. I might be a little superficial in saying this because 1. I like a lot of people in animation and would like to be (good) friends with all of them 2. I don't actually want to go up and randomly chat to people I haven't spoken to before because its already past the point where that'd be totally normal 3. There's this really cute guy... in one of the other classes... like realllllllllly cute and I wish I had the opportunity to meet him and talk :(
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